where I'm at

Wow...what a week. Month. Year. Past few years.

My life has taken some dramatic turns.

Status:
2.7 years with my gf.
1 adorable King Charles Cavalier.
sperm sitting in quarantine at sperm bank - available for use in 6 months time
1 Master of Business Administration degree
Almost 1 Masters of Professional Accounting degree

Interview #1 complete with Pilot. So excited. Nervous. Now a 2 week wait to see if I score my preferred job. THe first time I have ever been excited for a $45,000 year salary!!

I needed Xanax for the interview. I practiced quesitons......at length. None of course were cast my way. I was happy that the interview was really a conversation.

I doubt myself.....a lot.... I doubt my intelligence. I think my results reflect only the hours of hard slog. It has a cost.

I have put on weight. I am approaching a record 62kg and I am unhappy with my current frame.

I am failing in my work-life balance again.

It is the assignment writing again, that has caused me angst...and hours and hours of work.

In other news my interest has been watching hours upon hours of girl-on-girl action on YouTube. All the tv shows - national and international - past and present - that feature lesbian story lines.....

and I am loving it.

Of course I have one extra goal for the coming 4 months.

To create a stunning video proposal to my adoring gf.

I will use the excuse that I am watching the lesbian shows to draw inspiration.

Truthfully it is the crack my body craves.

A vice.

Wasted time.

But such pleasant happy moments.

sweet sweet crack.

I am listening to the Trapeze swinger by Iron & Wine. ONe of those songs that move your core. As religious as any moment I've experienced

(no subject)

I want a life with Tina. I want it so bad, i've been staying with her in LA, on a holiday visa, as I work my way towards the red.

This has been such an emotional journey for me.

I have been looking at how to make the situation work. I can't work here and can't stay here.... only if I commit fraud and marry an American boy (which we have considered). Or, if Tina gets a gender reassignment and becomes Tim, a ridiculous but probably more simple option.

We have even talked about having kids and would love the opportunity. 2 little eurasian kiddies.

Moving too fast?

Perhaps, but I have little control over these strong desires.

It has also been about working out a solution financially. Needing to set ourselves up for the future. A difficult situation, since I'm not earning and we are between two countries.

I've had a sometimes obsessive fascination with making money. I've made it and lost it, several times over.

it has all been a journey and one in which i have no regrets. I've had the luxury of risk, with only myself to support and no oppressive mortgages.

Anyways, that being said, I'm still keen on getting comfortable/ rich but perhaps will focus on creating some safety and security and a more stable path to financial freedom (versus the guru get rich schemes).

I've been brainwashed by Robert Kiyosaki, author of 'Rich Dad Poor Dad'. Tina and I attended a workshop of his on the weekend, a mere $500 investment for the two of us. I'm not regretting this, it introduced me to the spectrum of real estate opportunities in the US and the terminology. It was however a cleverly manipulated marketing scam to lure you into >$10,000 advanced training courses.

Now I have been reading property magazines and investor magazines for almost a decade. Can you believe Tina and I signed up for such advanced training? We were suckers. It's the day after the training and i've reflected on the cost of the course and the leverage lost and now Tina has applied for a refund. Since it is within 3 days, she should meet the refund requirements, but fuck I'd be irrate if it was denied.

What a fucken schemer.

I was a fan of Robert Kiyosaki. His books/ CDs/ Dvd's opened my eyes, much in the way the '4 hour work week' did. But after Tina charged her credit card at yesterdays heavily pressured seminar, i delved into RK web searches and was alarmed by the number of unsatisfied customers. He's a brilliant marketer. If his mechanism for squatting in the Business/ Investor quadrant involves ripping off clueless individuals just wanting some runway lights to the real estate ladder, then I resign to life in the Employee / Self-employed quadrant.

In his books he suggests engaging in network marketing - to get comfortable with rejection and a bonus source of income.

That is really all he is. A network marketer with a bleached white smile, slick suit, and an attractive marketing graduate puppet wife.

I was thinking of moving to the B quadrant, but I have little energy left. I think I might be an E for a while.

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So i was introduced to the spoken word. I love it. I have my own beat running through my head. It comes to me when I'm walking to the gym and i don't have a pen. I've been inside all day, the sun has set. I'm thinking about my life and where I'm heading. The claims i've made. The perceptions of myself. It's easy to say I'm a risk taker. Easy to think I'm comfortable with losing. That things will work out. I've got my chips stacked on the table, i've placed my bet, it's a matter of waiting. There's a terror that stares at you when you face nothing. A shiver. A child lost. It's frightening, you didn't think you'd feel it. You're educated, why do you take these bets? it's risky to take risks, but it's riskier to not take them. To miss out on Vegas, on Rio and operas. To miss out on Derrick Brown.

I've placed my bet but there's so many variables. Jobs, borders, love, family, future, there's no way to predict an outcome. But there's a force that pins me, and there is no choice. What happens if she decides that it's all too hard? What happens to the months i've lost, the bank a/c that's deflated? it's not the dollars I'm spending, it's the dollars i'm not making. It's the difficulties that lie in the future. The families on opposite sides of the world. It's trickier than i imagined. I miss my sister J, my buddy jo's, my mum. To have a life in another country? it's another world, it's starting over. It's trust.

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I'm not American, but I don't understand this country and politics. So California legalised gay marriage earlier in the year. Now it's election time, they have a proposition '8' which is a movement to ban gay marriage. This proposition has gained $57 million in campaigning for and against. The Mormons being prominent in the movement against. I understand those 'for' gay marriage spending big. They have a vested interest in the outcome. I can not understand the against gay marriage attracting so many $$$$$. Are straight people that threatened by equal rights?? it frustrates the hell out of me!!!!!!!!!

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I've taken my nocte dose of prn temazepam. 40 minutes ago now, so the eyes are drooping heavy. i'm playing Clare bowditch's "I thought you were God". On repeat. Like I used to play it in Rocky when I first discovered this sensational moving artist. So I'm listening and reflecting.... it's melancholic, yet inciteful and hopeful.... I love it.

Life has been a compound fracture for since my months holiday in America. I realise that staying local is staying idol.

B, this is why you and I broke up. And this is why you and I were destined for a brief affair. I need someone to push me. To inspire me. To offer me dreams and motivation. I couldn't be the tap, the only source of spontaneity, effort, hope. I needed someone who had dreams for something greater than a mundane Maryborough existence. Perhaps you would be willing to move around with me. But I needed someone who would drag me around. I couldn't handle being a sugar mamma to someone 3 years my senior.

You are excited about taking the sides off your ute. For no practical reason but because you think it will look 'hot'.
1. I don't think 'hot' can be attached to the word utility vehicle.
2. I don't see how taking sides of a ute could in any way improve the aesthetic appeal.
3. You are excited about buying a dashboard cover to protect the car. Don't talk to me about spending money enhancing the car I gave you hard earned cash to buy.

There. That is it. In a nutshell. That is why you and I could not be.

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Some families/ people have their look together. The house is pristine. The car is flashy. Dad mows the lawn every second weekend, drinks beer and cooks BBQs with his polo wearing 'mates'. The mum has nutritious Donna Hay inspired meals on the table each night. The 2.5 kids and the family pet. In Nyah West when I was 5, it was the Beinda Sides', Michael Correnti's, Tanya Jollie's. Their parents were young, friends with each other and lived in town. They rode their bikes to school with their proud red triangle flags. In primary school it was the Carly Rose's, the Lauren Davies', the Michelle Briggs' that had my envy. THey lived in brick houses on the same street in Pialba and were always dressed in cute clothes. My mothers priority was not taming our hair or dressing us in cute frocks. Her mission was spreading a thin budget to give us every opportunity she was denied. Swimming/dancing/piano/guitar/brownies/athletics. We moved 'into town' for the first time when I entered year 9. I was excited, I thought I was nearing the domain I envied - but I never felt I got there. We had a brick home, a new holden. The home was big but the 1.25 acre garden was seldom in control. The car was an aqua green that I was a little unsure about. Our Dog was a mutt that would never pose in D&G gear. My parents were that little bit too old.

As an adult, those desires seem laughable. I am typing this in my old room. Jenny is home for the weekend and is pleasing mum with her attendance at church. I am puppy sitting Dudley, the prized toy poodle, who dislikes me and the attention I steal from his 'mummy'. While Carey, my adored mutt sits uncomplaining outside my window on this dank, gloomy winter's day. Dudley wears D&G and is ferried around in the Lexus 4 wheel drive, head outside in the wind.

I am nearing the age of some of the parents of my primary school friends. It puts a different spin on things!! If I reflect on the families I envied, I can summise a few things. They were young, working class and had a good network of friends. They were not loaded, but mum put energy into presentation. They made good choices with the bank accounts they had.

I no longer want the picture perfect life I once envied. A football loving husband, 2.5 kids, a maltese terrior, a 2008 holden commodore in a little suburban brick house would make me claustrophobic and nauseous. I desire a more colourful life.

But I do value the presence of friends and good presentation.

It is easy to be slob. It is easy to focus on work and leave looks on the back burner. What do you get in the end? A haggard, tired, boring life. Alternatively, you could invest in your look. It's more enviable than a bank a/c.

(no subject)

It's been 3 weeks, 6 plane flights, 2 countries (US, Mexico), 5 States (Hawaii, California, Nevada, Arizona, New York). Highlights include Dinah Shores at Palm Springs (does any Australian lesbian believe the L word exists?? it does and it's the world of the Los Angeles lesbian). This circuit event is out of control. I stayed at one of the host hotels with a great group of girls I met on Craigs list. White parties, pool parties, parties at the hotels on every floor. 3000 lesbians soaking up sun, like-minds and attention. Girls with MBAs, engineers, artists. One became a little more than a friend. I'm sensitive about the subject, because I do not want to disrespect B. But to omit T, I'd omit a true highlight. I'm excited by the prospect of seeing her in the future. We road tandem bikes at Venice Beach and she helped me do my laundry. She's born in Taiwan, has an MBA and witt I adore. Dinah was full of golden tans, scorching bodies and peacocks used to attention.

Other highlights. My time with Steve. I love spending time with people who inspire me. Give me a taste for success. I forgot what it was like to be with someone where money is no object. He gave $100 to a waitor to bypass the restaurant queue at the saddle bar. Money can buy happiness. We went to universal studios, VIP of course (a premium of $60) again, we did not have to queue for rides. Valet parking for the BMW. So many swanky restaurants. Sushi, prime rib, risotto. Always complimented by a choice drop of red.

Mexico was dirty. A big downgrade from Orange County but a fun day trip. You can buy Viagra and Cialis over the counter. Pharmacias litter the streets. The tacos were served in soft shells, completely foreign to the dish served in the Western world. It was spring break time - young bodies basked on the beaches of Rosarita. Telcate flowed from the fountains.

Vegas was schizophrenic. Masses of people. Poker chips. Cocktails. Mini worlds - Caesars Palace, the Bellagio, the Vanician, Paris.... so many experiences compressed in vibrant Neon.

and now....New York. A chance to see Rebi. I'm staying in Brooklyn. Cute streets (like Sesame St), pizza delivery boys on bicycles, laundromats, trendy delis, bars & restaurants. So much choice.

I have renewed zest for life and a hunger for success. I want a job that takes me across oceans. I want the mac laptop, blackberry, prestige car, GPS, quaint apartment, designer labels...

B is packing my gear in boxes and is dropping it to Mum. She doesn't want to see me again. It's sad, but it offers me freedom. I am no longer weighed down by another body. I can relocate with not to much drama. The world feels accessible.

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- viv doesn't want to share her house, "if i want to walk around naked, i can't if there's someone there." was she trying to be sexy? trying to fire my imagination? She paused as if waiting for my response. It was not a pretty thought. She's 40 and looks it, i don't walk around my home naked (much) and i'm 26.

- never assume anything about customers. i made a very embarrassing slip. I have a good rapore with this male customer and make a special effort to give at least a smile/wave when he comes into the shop. The other day i did a script for a very sick older lady who was in his company. THey shared the same surname and because he was looking after her, I made the flawed assumption she was his mother. The following day I saw him at Woolworth's, and shot him a, "Hi there, how's your mother. erm. is bev your mum?" He shook his head, "it's my wife. she's doing ok....". Ouch, I wanted to click my fingers and disappear. "Thanks for caring", it was another blow.

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You go to the clubs... everyone walks around with that air, 'notice me. i'm special. i'm different. i'm worth more attention than the average person.'

There are a lot of beautiful ppl in this world. Flawless skin, straight white teeth, size 8 fashion queens. It's dangerous when ppl rely on their physical beauty. Gravity and time will decay sex appeal, exposing the true being.

Sometimes arrogance is warranted. The person is outstanding.

Sometimes arrogance is a front for insecurity. But the arrogance is an act that doesn't fool anybody. In fact the dissonance draws attention to the ridiculousness of the person and they look a bigger fool.

Sometimes the arrogance is alcohol induced confidence. This sort of arrogance doesn't annoy me

I remember in an introductory psychology class, reference to the better-than-average effect. On average, ppl think they are funnier, smarter, better looking etc etc. than the average person. If you passed primary school maths, you would know the comedic flaw in this better-than-average effect. I guess it's a good thing ppl have a decent opinion of themselves. It's just slightly irritating when someone with an IQ of 80 who's been beat with the ugly stick struts around like they're all that.

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I was speaking to Queer 101 Scott on the phone, a boy I completely adore! Then he asks the question, "when did you become so...so...". I prompt, "intelligent? sexy?". He finishes his sentence "so rural?". I chuckle every time! I do not know how this happened. My life was not meant to be this.... this... rural. Something will have to change.

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I had a short-lived crush on this young Dr at the hospital a few years ago. She was Christian but had short hair so I clung to the possibility she may be gay. We got chatting about her unruly lawn and I realised the street she lived was not far from my home. I offered to mow her lawn with my electric start John Deer ride on mower. *Cough* Idiot Kristine! It turns out her house was much further than I envisioned and unruly was an understatement. I emerged from the dense forrest hours later. The skin on my exposed knees the hue of a roasted lobster. I was given a cup of cold cordial for my efforts. I journeyed back home on my unregistered John Deer. Past neighbours and kids on bikes, shrinking every time a car passed.

She is married to a guy now.

The end